I am feeling so super disheartened and moody today.
I want to just read or write all day and I don’t want to go and socialise. I feel on the verge of crying everytime I think about the fact that God has a plan for me. Because right now, I can’t see straight.
I long for some direction. Some words from God to assure me I’m doing ok and I’m on the right path even if it doesn’t LOOK right to me or others.
I feel the weight of expectation to find a job so people can talk and SAY I’m doing SOMETHING.
I feel useless because I don’t feel I’m doing ANYTHING.
I want to go. I want to get ready, pack a bag and go somewhere. To walk with God and feel the freedom in my brain. Being in my room and at home is comforting and good, but it doesn’t free my brain. It almost puts it on lockdown so that I can’t see straight. It’s not a negative thing, it’s not bad parenting or a bad environment. Its just what happens in comfort.
I need to be OUT there to feel free and hear.
I struggle with regular chat with regular people. What are you doing? Oh that’s ridiculous you can’t find a job. Will you travel again? Oh this weather is awful. Guess what colour we’re painting the living room? John boy’s new project is our second bathroom. Bla bla bla.
I honestly don’t care.
Part of me wishes I did care because then I could enter into these conversations fully and wholeheartedly and honestly connect with these people. But truth is, I don’t care.
Is that bad? Does that make me a numb, cold-hearted woman? Or does it just mean my priorities and my mind is elsewhere?
I think its good for me to admit I’m not feeling ok all of the time. It’s so easy to paint on that smile, brave it and go out and face the crowd. But sometimes, its ok to say “I’m actually quite sad because I can’t find a job.”
I guess for me, I wonder what it says to people about my testimony. I’ve travelled the world with Jesus, made massive stands for God, but here I am not knowing where I’m going. “How can God be in that? Does she not hear God anymore? Is she backsliding? So much for provision!”
The funny thing is. I actually just put a decent amount of money into savings yesterday at the bank. How interesting. How is that even possible? I’ve not working a paying job for over 20 months? Haha. God you amaze me.
Maybe I’ll sell some of my things. Make an e-bay shop and sell? That would make some money and I have some neat stuff that I don’t need. I made a pile last week on my sofa in my room actually. I’m getting revelation as I type. I will sell it! That’s what I’ll do.
More savings. Another adventure with God.
I just hate this moodiness though. It’s not attractive or pleasant for anyone around me to witness. One minute I’m laughing then someone says something that I cant be bothered with or don’t like and I snap a little or shut down because I know my true response would be GRRRR.
God give me super strength. Humble me in my silly petty moodiness when I actually have so MUCH to be thankful for.
I have two loving parents.
I have an incredibly mature, yet annoying brother. (I love the annoying part J )
I have both sets of Grandparents whom I love dearly.
I have money in SAVINGS!!!! Wow.
I have a bed.
I have warm clothes.
I have shoes and socks.
I have fresh water and WARM water.
I am truly blessed.
It’s funny how the worlds views creep in and dishearten us to continually strive for more more more, when we have ALL we NEED right here.
All we need is all we NEED.
Wants are different to needs.
Wants are wants.
Needs are needs.
Simple as that.
I want to just read or write all day and I don’t want to go and socialise. I feel on the verge of crying everytime I think about the fact that God has a plan for me. Because right now, I can’t see straight.
I long for some direction. Some words from God to assure me I’m doing ok and I’m on the right path even if it doesn’t LOOK right to me or others.
I feel the weight of expectation to find a job so people can talk and SAY I’m doing SOMETHING.
I feel useless because I don’t feel I’m doing ANYTHING.
I want to go. I want to get ready, pack a bag and go somewhere. To walk with God and feel the freedom in my brain. Being in my room and at home is comforting and good, but it doesn’t free my brain. It almost puts it on lockdown so that I can’t see straight. It’s not a negative thing, it’s not bad parenting or a bad environment. Its just what happens in comfort.
I need to be OUT there to feel free and hear.
I struggle with regular chat with regular people. What are you doing? Oh that’s ridiculous you can’t find a job. Will you travel again? Oh this weather is awful. Guess what colour we’re painting the living room? John boy’s new project is our second bathroom. Bla bla bla.
I honestly don’t care.
Part of me wishes I did care because then I could enter into these conversations fully and wholeheartedly and honestly connect with these people. But truth is, I don’t care.
Is that bad? Does that make me a numb, cold-hearted woman? Or does it just mean my priorities and my mind is elsewhere?
I think its good for me to admit I’m not feeling ok all of the time. It’s so easy to paint on that smile, brave it and go out and face the crowd. But sometimes, its ok to say “I’m actually quite sad because I can’t find a job.”
I guess for me, I wonder what it says to people about my testimony. I’ve travelled the world with Jesus, made massive stands for God, but here I am not knowing where I’m going. “How can God be in that? Does she not hear God anymore? Is she backsliding? So much for provision!”
The funny thing is. I actually just put a decent amount of money into savings yesterday at the bank. How interesting. How is that even possible? I’ve not working a paying job for over 20 months? Haha. God you amaze me.
Maybe I’ll sell some of my things. Make an e-bay shop and sell? That would make some money and I have some neat stuff that I don’t need. I made a pile last week on my sofa in my room actually. I’m getting revelation as I type. I will sell it! That’s what I’ll do.
More savings. Another adventure with God.
I just hate this moodiness though. It’s not attractive or pleasant for anyone around me to witness. One minute I’m laughing then someone says something that I cant be bothered with or don’t like and I snap a little or shut down because I know my true response would be GRRRR.
God give me super strength. Humble me in my silly petty moodiness when I actually have so MUCH to be thankful for.
I have two loving parents.
I have an incredibly mature, yet annoying brother. (I love the annoying part J )
I have both sets of Grandparents whom I love dearly.
I have money in SAVINGS!!!! Wow.
I have a bed.
I have warm clothes.
I have shoes and socks.
I have fresh water and WARM water.
I am truly blessed.
It’s funny how the worlds views creep in and dishearten us to continually strive for more more more, when we have ALL we NEED right here.
All we need is all we NEED.
Wants are different to needs.
Wants are wants.
Needs are needs.
Simple as that.
Thank you Daddy for true Scottish freedom and your love and your presence EVEN if I don't always FEEL it. It is truth and it is there.
It seems I’m enjoying blogging more than I thought. It’s helping me to process many things and is quicker than writing by hand, although I still like to do that too.
It seems I’m enjoying blogging more than I thought. It’s helping me to process many things and is quicker than writing by hand, although I still like to do that too.
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